Warning: May be more self thought than actual question, but opinionable question involved. If I remember how this conversation went in my head that is.

As I sat in the car waiting for a serving of McDonalds to guzzle down and add unhealthy boost to the depleted contents of my stomach, I began to think about things as always. I thought about what made me and my mom so different, where I offered much so easily and seldom worried, aloud that is, and she constantly worried and failed to see I did things cause I love her unconditionally. Anyway it lead to what made us different. She believed in Strength from without and from Beyond. Her strength came from her faith in her religion and in the lord and other people. Her salvation came in the form of a very loud sermon that hurts my poor ears, weeks of church and believing without, and living until her prayers from beyond were answered. I don't ridicule her belief as it helps her through this life that has so many pitfalls, it's a wonder we all can stay in orbit. My beliefs on the other hand, were more focused on Strength from within as I found in my experience Strength from without could seldom be counted upon.

For those who haven't guessed, Strength from without, includes belief in deities, friends, family, lovers, etc. Strength from within is relying on yourself and yourself alone.

Since I was 13 and anywhere outside my home, I've always experienced a lack of strength without and so let strength within dominate my life and though it has helped me in so many ways, it is also damn near impossible to reverse if one is not equipped enough. Even when I was in K-grade, i was isolated from others. No reason why, but lots of people seemed afraid of me. No that's not an ego bolstering admission as that cold wind hit me full force through many years of silence. It helped me know I wasn't insane when i learned I was otherkin, but the drawbacks soon became apparent. When you go without something long enough, it eventually becomes irrelevant to you, unless you come into contact with it at some point. That irrelevant thing I thought I didn't need was human touch, or human conversation. It took me a few years to get conversation down pat, and a few more years to learn not to tense up under a hug. I wasn't abused mind you, just well, the only word that comes to mind is feral. I'd never been around anyone except family and at school, kept distance between me and other kids, cause I didn't want their rejection. I was strong on my own.

That said, that strength from within that I held onto for so long, changed, when two friends in high school, then even more when I met two otherkin after high school and even more when i came to the grove. That strength from without, those friends I didn't even realize had been there to care so long, was now something I had as well. Maybe over long distances, but thank the gods for being an empath that I can sense their energy and kindness all around me even if thousands of miles away from each. Admittedly I do still have a hard time opening up and speaking what I feel, unless it really bothers me to point of either start ranting at myself like usual or the equivalent to me, giving someone one of my weaknesses or giving them a glimpse into my soul and that's always what I've been afraid of, for a long time.

I'm half asleep while writing this so I may have lost my point, but just realized that there is a difference between strength within and strength without and that though I am getting strength from without I don't always realize it or reach out, cause the first was what I always relied on and served me for better part of 17 years.

So which do you think is your more dominant side, even if you're trying to keep yourself balanced, think back on a lot and you'll have your answer. One always is over the other sometimes till consciously or subconsciously balanced in some way.

Give some reasons why one has worked more for you, if comfy or well whether you think it is a philosophy on life, albeit an unwritten one.